My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
