I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
