Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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