I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
