I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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