He uses pillows to masturbate.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
