I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Two words: blizzard sex
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
