I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Houston, we have a squirter
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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