Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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