if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
