He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
