Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
