She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
