why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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