I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
