pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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