woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
