We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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