friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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