Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
