I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
