I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize