38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize