I wish I only lived at night.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
