Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
