drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
