I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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