Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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