It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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