Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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