eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Come see our sink grown plant.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
