I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
