the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
me + whiskey = a bad person
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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