i think my mom watched the whole time
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
