just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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