I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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