dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
they're like a gay fantastic four
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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