I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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