Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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