how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
