a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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