I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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