the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
