She's JV to your varsity
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Holy sore nipples Batman
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
