All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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