I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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