Who did Billy Mays play for?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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