I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize