weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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