This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
