Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
