I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
