I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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