I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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