Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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