I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
